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When Nature Gets Morning Wood

March 22, 2012

The transformations seem to take place overnight.   That first night, little bits of green have somehow sprouted from all the naked tree branches, shrubs, and even the barren ground itself.  Then sometime in the very next night, those same branches and grounds are suddenly covered in flowers, and they are everywhere! They’re in your yard when you step outside and head to work, they’re in every landscape you pass on the way to your work, and just as fast as they sprung from the ground, they’re posted up online for you to view the whole time you’re at work.  It’s all so beautiful that even the most severely allergy prone people can’t help but exhale a happy clump of snot, as they sit in their allergen free offices.  It all seems so very sweet on the surface that most of us can’t help but get caught up.

Well, shame on you! Your mother warned you about this wiley and cunning suitor who’s clearly too good to be true, suddenly proposing warm tropical vacations, fun barbeques and picnics.  It never lasts, though.  The mood of the relationship changes, and eventually it all comes to grinding halt, leaving you feeling cold and alone.  Then, just when you start to get used to the cold, the charming suitor shows up again, presenting elaborate bouquets and chirping fun little flirty lines in your ear.  You’re mother’s warning was clear, that all those flowers come with strings attached.  She should know, she’s fallen for him too.  She remembers all too clearly, that just when you think everything’s going to be good again, you see what all those flowers were really about.  There was an agenda the whole time.  A dirty, disgusting, perverse agenda.

Nature is the same as that sick and twisted suitor your mom warned you about.  Once you accept all those kind and beautiful flowers, the true motive behind them suddenly just pops out.

Seriously nature? Put that thing away!

I’m telling you, nature is one sick, sick, sicky!  It’s just disgusting what’s going on out there right now, and sometimes I don’t think anyone gets what’s really happening.  Sure, we walk out to our cars and notice the pollen.  We complain because we just had the thing washed and now it’s covered in this yellow crud again, but don’t you know what that yellow crud is?  Look, if I walked around my neighborhood doing what nature is getting away with right now, I’d be locked up faster than you could say, “He did what??” and I wouldn’t be able to show my face in these parts again.  Nature does it anywhere and everywhere it suits, though, and we just shrug and say, “Ah man!”

Right now in North Florida, you don’t even think about wearing black pants or shoes because in this region, pines and oaks are about 80% of the environment, and we’re getting it hard and fast from both of them simultaneously. My back deck is revolting this morning, because it’s not just the fine, yellowish reproductive gook that’s spewing daily over everything, but it’s also the giant clumps of pollen balls that fall from every giant live oak around.  Sometimes when I look out of my back windows, it looks like some sort of sick, VIP back room rain shower that’s going on. It gets worse, though, because not all of them hit the ground.  No, some of it just hangs in mid-air waiting to smack you in the face as you walk by. This levitation is made possible by the little gross caterpillars that suddenly feel now is the perfect time to spin their unreasonably long webs all around, causing many of the pollen ball clumps that fall, to just hang there in mid-air from an invisible wire, like perverse little tree decorations.  The stuff doesn’t stay outside either, because my cat now doubles as an automatic Swiffer whose emptying receptacle is my bed.

Aside from the nightly routine of vacuuming off the cat and the covers, cleaning this mess is completely useless right now.  You’d have better luck shoveling snow from your driveway in the middle of a blizzard.  In a week or so, once it is all done, the nastiest Spring cleaning job can begin.  I’m basically nature’s equivalent of the guy whose job it is to clean the private rooms in inner city adult video stores on a Saturday morning.  I start with a complete “the works” car wash for every vehicle. Then, I’m up on the roof with a blower, followed by a complete scooping of the gutters.  Next, it’s a full on pressure cleaning of the house and back deck. And finally, since my little pond out back has turned into a giant cup of oak and pine tea, it’s a full drain and scrub for the fishies.

Now, maybe nature’s more stable where you are, in which case I hope you two stay completely happy together.  Here in the panhandle of Florida, however, nature is sometimes a real sick freak, and the time has come for somebody to call her out!

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 23, 2012 2:38 am

    Okay, being able to finger-write pollen on the hood of your car is pretty nasty. The crud on on your outdoor patio set doesn’t look like a picnic to clean either. (Get it? Picnic? I know. That was lame.)

    There definitely is a seedy side to nature (ah, man…another bad pun. Sorry.) I guess just like every suitor, there is more than just the pretty surface. Mama tried to tell us.

    Thanks for your post. You’ve now given me one good reason why living in the desert isn’t so bad after all 😆

    • March 23, 2012 12:44 pm

      There are no bad puns, only bad reactions to them. Thanks for stopping in, Janna. Hope you have a wonderful, flowery weekend.

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