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Guaranteed Weight Loss Tips From “the Bible”

November 29, 2010

Right around age thirty, our metabolisms really begin to slip and we start to realize that either its time to get used to a new, flabbier version of ourselves, or that some old patterns are going to need to change.

At thirty, my flab was in full swing.  That’s when I began dating a Seventh Day Adventist whose Christian religion holds tight to many of the laws set forth in Deuteronomy of the Old Testament.  Put simply, she is kosher.  The next five years I did my best to respect the beliefs of the woman who later became my wife.  Thanks to the Good Book, eating kosher helped me change some personal habits, and maintain good weight loss.  The Book really does have lots of important “live right” tips:  cholesterol lowering suggestions like no shellfish; helpful calorie counting techniques like, no pork and to drink in moderation; even Jesus, a seriously healthy eater of fish and grains, must have noticed around age thirty he was getting a little pudgy, because he went on a hard core 40-day diet to help him shed some extra pounds.

Yes, the Bible, for me, was a great source of resolve.  Eventually, however, I discovered my wife didn’t really care if I held to the letter of the old law, causing my motivation to desert me.   I began indulging those occasional oyster and lobster sides; sausage and egg McMuffin breakfasts; my delicious fried catfish lunch platters.  Oh, and beer, so much beer.  Soon my mirror’s distorted reflection had begun showing me that it was time to find another source of guidance.

It was at the grocery store that I knew I was going to need to make my most significant lifestyle changes.  No more crab stuffed salmon or elf inspired cookies; and so long to my full fat sour cream and butter.

In the checkout line, as the elderly woman in front of me was pulling out about thirty-three coupons and a check book, I began surveying my grotesque inventory of “lite” and “yummy-free” foods.  My eyes were eager for distraction and began flipping across the many magazine covers displaying various toothy smiles and photo shopped cleavage.  That was when I saw it.  It had been there all along.  Celebrities held the answer!

I puzzled as I read the thick white words printed on the pages, “Mariah Carey lost 43 pounds in just six weeks.  Find out how on page 21,” “Spears and Alba dropped three sizes,” “How does Jennifer Aniston keep so thin?”  Valerie Bertinellie, Oprah Winfrey, Janet Jackson, they all knew the secret, and the covers promised to divulge the answers inside.  How long had women been referring to Cosmopolitan magazine as the Bible?  How could I have been so blind?  The secret was in these pages, and I was going to find it.

That day, I bought seven magazines totaling forty-three dollars, and 9 1/2 inches stacked bottom to top.  For days I researched. I filled my room with cut and pasted images and articles stuck onto poster board.  I jounrnaled page after page of notes.  At one point I even made a flow chart.  I had forgotten that I knew what one of those was.  There were so many variables, weight lifting, carb counting, carb eliminating, running, walking, boxing, crunching, spinning and tai chi.  So much was quickly being uncovered, but still, something in these pages was eluding me.

Then, I had an epiphany. It was right there staring me in the face all these years.  How could I have missed it?  How did we all?

What follows are, I feel, the TOP FIVE best ways to lose weight based on my research.  You might be shocked at how simple some of them are, but if you choose just one and stick with it, it would be nearly impossible not to accomplish the exact same results that celebrities from the covers of so many magazines have achieved with ease.

1)      Record a TOP 40 song or TOP 10 album and agree to appear on the cover in a bikini.

2)      Negotiate an $8 million movie deal in which you appear partially naked in a love scene.

3)      Become a spokes person for a weight loss company that pays $250,000 or better to lose the weight, preferably with a resigning bonus.

4)      After indulging in the decadence of your celebrity to the degree that you are large enough for your doctor to diagnose your future as limited, sign a $500,000 book deal detailing the life changing realization you had and why it was so important for you to lose the weight.

5)      In the prime of your celebrity, marry a member of your dance crew or back up singers, have one or more children, commit yourself to an asylum or rehab, lose custody of your children, and decide to prove to the world that you are not that person anymore.

It’s just that easy.  All you need is the proper motivation.  The method of weight loss is secondary.  Eat low carb or high protein; run ten miles a day or do yoga for hours.  It all works and it’s all difficult.  The million dollar motivation is the catalyst that eases the pain and brings the change.  The secret is unlocked, and now you know.  So get out there and go shed those pounds!

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